THE SECRET SUPER POWER OF TALKING TO YOURSELF

Living alone for the first time, I’ve discovered something surprising: I’m a chatterbox. All day, every day, I talk my own ear off. I do it to motivate myself (come on, let’s finish this!), to calm myself down (just breathe), and sometimes just to pat myself on the back (you crushed that workout!). I do it so often, in fact, that I grew a bit concerned. “Shayla,” I wondered aloud to myself, “are you weird?”

Turns out, I’m not that weird at all—in fact, talking to yourself, in your head or out loud, is extremely common, says Ariana Orvell, a social psychologist at Bryn Mawr College. There’s even a name for it: “self-talk.” According to Orvell, “self-talk” differs from plain ol’ thinking in that it’s self-directed, using either the second- or third-person point of view.

Examples:
Thinking: “I’ve got this.”
Self-talk: “Come on [insert your own name], you’ve got this.”

Not only is self-talk normal, it’s also effective. Studies show that it creates a psychological distance that can help regulate your emotions, ease social anxiety and alleviate public speaking fears, and help to reframe or reappraise negative situations. “When people take an outsider’s perspective to talk to themselves, it can powerfully alter the nature of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—helping [them] act in line with their goals,” Orvell says.

Of course, tone matters, too. For the self-critical among us, speaking kindly to oneself might feel as natural as eating soup with a fork, but researchers say it’s key.

Sports psychologists have found that athletes who speak kindly to themselves improve their physical performance. Self-talk that empowers you is even more effective: Rather than saying “What are you doing?” switch it to “You can do this!” If your goal is NOT to do something, saying “You don’t scroll TikTok for hours” is better than “You can’t doom scroll” (because using don’t versus can’t imbues the speaker with a sense of agency and control).

So go ahead, give yourself that pep talk in the mirror! You just might find you have some helpful things to say.

— Shayla Love